<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Gambler's Woe by spnsmile</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841668">Gambler's Woe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnsmile/pseuds/spnsmile'>spnsmile</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Prompt: Coda Pieces [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Cheesy, Coda, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Declarations Of Love, Dorks in Love, Drama &amp; Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Episode: s15e11 The Gamblers, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Kissing, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Near Death Experiences, One Big Happy Family, Romance, Rough Kissing, Sad and Sweet, Top Castiel (Supernatural)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:09:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,852</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841668</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnsmile/pseuds/spnsmile</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to 15x11 (The Gamblers)<br/>Sam lost the game, Fortuna wins. Dean calls Castiel to say goodbye.<br/>They didn't get kicked. They returned to the Bunker.</p><p>Except Cas still hears the message and goes to tackle Dean.</p><p>It's a lucky night. The idiots find what they don't want to lose anymore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Prompt: Coda Pieces [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1627993</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gambler's Woe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My heart goes to our idiots in love! A supposed 1k fix turns to 5k surprisingly! But here it is to trample on our hearts. If it can haha. Coda plays.</p><p>And vero-batto, an amazing author and artist will give us the art for this strange coda out of the blue! She rocks! Thank you, luv!<br/>Thanks for reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<strong><em>Gotta call Cas."</em></strong></p><p>Dean didn't know what’s worse—seeing Sam get slowly defeated in a game of winner takes all, or find himself on the sideline being unable to do anything to help his brother.</p><p>Dean badly wants to take a leap of faith, not on god, not on anything <em>supernatural right now,</em> but on Sam. The odds are out of their favor,  but hey,  since when did the universe play them fair? </p><p>So brooding and silent,  he watched as the game folds in ans out of to their favor. </p><p>The length of the game makes him want to puke. Makes him tighten his grip on his arms till his knuckles are white. Make his heart drum nervously every time Sam makes a miss. </p><p>Unsurprisingly, if there’s one person who Dean would want to pray every time he finds himself in a pinch with his brother like this? Only one name is on his lips. </p><p>
  <em> Cas. </em>
</p><p>He tried calling Cas earlier only to get a voicemail. Didn't help his nerves. </p><p>He wants to call Cas again now that the main antagonist happened to be another immortal goddess who's out to get their limbs in pieces.</p><p>
  <em>If Cas were here... He'd feel a lot safer. </em>
</p><p>Dean frowns and presses his lips. Castiel hadn't been back for awhile and though they'd agreed to contact each other if they have a lead,  the angel's constant indenpendence makes Dean feel left out.  </p><p>Okay,  so maybe it's the weeks Cas was on the wind when he and Dean had their last quarrel. And maybe Dean's hinted a few times he'd stop Cas next time the angel means to go,  but he'd never excercise such control on Cas before.  Not that he wants to keep the angel in the Bunker forever but... </p><p>Sam misses. Dean hisses. It's when his heart won’t stop its erratic beats preparing for the worse. All he can do nows is silently pray to the angel to guide his brother.</p><p>Then maybe he'll tell Cas to stay more with them... with him... </p><p>Pure longing smacks Dean in the face. </p><p>Then Sam wins.</p><p>Dean shakes his fist in the air, nearly solemnly praying to Castiel to listen out of happiness. </p><p>Then the bait comes—</p><p><em> “Another game, double or nothing.” </em> She offers. Dean grunts. Of course, she would. She knows how bad Sam wants to save everyone else. Dean actually knows Sam would ask for another game anyway. His brother is too stubborn to let these people die. So when Sam says, “Yeah, deal,” Dean could only look away, trepidation in his chest. </p><p>Luck once.  Risk it twice. </p><p>
  <em>Call Cas. </em>
</p><p>The thought wraps in Dean's mind that his hand slips at the back of his pocket where he keeps his phone.</p><p>Sam plays, but instinct told Dean only a miracle would help them. Deep inside he knows they would lose. That fighting gods and goddesses were like buying nukes and putting them in his pockets.</p><p>A miss will cost them everything this time.  With his heart plunging down the pit of his stomach, he watches. </p><p>He wants to tell Cas what’s going on, wants to get him speeding here right now, the game is serious and for all Dean knows, they could actually be trapped here while the gingerbread goddess drains them of their lives.</p><p>It didn’t last long and the shoe drops.</p><p>Sam misses his last shot. Dean watches Fortuna win the game with his nails digging the meat of his arms.  He shakes his head calmly so as not to give satisfaction to the smug victor.  </p><p>Too bad….<em> too bad. </em></p><p>
  <em> “You challenged the Goddess of Luck in her own joint, what did you think was gonna happen?” </em>
</p><p>Well. </p><p>Dean leaves Sam talking to Evie on the counter. Told them he needed to have a moment with himself. He squeezes Sam's shoulder assuringly. They will be in this together. </p><p>He walks far away to process, to see if there’s a way out even when he knows there’s none. He found a private corner by the fireside, away from everyone else, where no one can hear him.</p><p>It takes a moment of silence. A lot of inhales and ragged breathing. Rhen he bows his head,  swallowing the bitter pill with expression still hard.</p><p>He gotta call Cas now.  Tell him what happened. Cas will definitely do something stupid if he realizes the mess the Winchesters found themselves this time. </p><p>He opts to pray to Castiel, but then, all things considered, Cas might just blast the door, come here, play his luck (which is no better than Dean's) and may even end up trapped here as well. </p><p>Chances are high of Cas making another deal-breaker like with Billie.</p><p>Dean can’t have that. Can’t have the angel kill the Goddess of luck the same way. Dean got a bad feeling about touching her anyway. Who knows what frustrations her siblinga would launch to the angel this time? </p><p>Fortuna had disappeared three hours ago and never came out. He and Sam are just waiting for that heart attack or maybe liver failure to kill em,  but before that happens...  He grasps his phone thoughtfully. </p><p>Dean wonders if liver failure is painful. He makes a face. <em> Dean Winchester </em> dying of common organ failure? Hah. </p><p>He licks his dried lips and look down his hands, the lump in the middle of his throat not disappearing.</p><p>Then it dawns on him. </p><p>It’s a dead end.</p><p>Both he and Sam are gonna die just like the hustler. Just leaving the world of the living without anyone knowing what happened… </p><p>What then?  Die like they don't exist?  Would Chuck bring them back? Toy with them again or maybe he'll keep them buried deep enough?</p><p>Frankly, Dean didn’t wanna. Won’t give Chuck the satisfaction of owing him anything. They’ve called it quits.</p><p>He closes his eyes, defeat etching on his features. Would’ve been fine if it was just him, but Sam too? He meant for Sam to survive at least, have a happy life with Eileen, and keep Cas company with their offspring forever so Cas wouldn’t have to be alone. Yeah,  he thought about that far ahead. </p><p>There will always be a Winchester to stand beside the angel. The hunter opens his eyes with a sad smile.</p><p>
  <em> Yeah, tough luck. </em>
</p><p>Dean takes his phone out, sighing heavily as he dials Cas’ number.</p><p>It doesn’t surprise him when all he got is a voicemail again.</p><p>Maybe Cas is still in heaven after all. Maybe it’s better, or worse cause then Dean won’t be able to say goodbye.</p><p>He stares at his phone dumbly, wondering why he couldn’t get anything else in his mind  like he’s a tower with no hope for reception, lost amidst the woods, searching for a way out.</p><p>Then it hits him. He won’t be able to say <em> goodbye </em>. Won't be able to see Cas again. </p><p>The thought somewhat scared Dean. It didn't make sense.  Dying amd separation had been his and Cas' symphony ever since they met each other.  </p><p>What makes separation now any different? </p><p>
  <em>Gotta call Cas... </em>
</p><p>Hands shaking a little, Dean grips the phone tight and dials again. He doesn’t know how to talk to Cas, honestly doesn’t know what to say. </p><p>But he gotta be the one to give him the bad news. He can’t let Cas wander the world, the universe looking for them. He won’t give Cas the same burden that happened when they were caught by the special service of the United States. He gotta reach Cas.</p><p>Tell him how he’d been stupid enough to let Sam play against the Goddess of Luck that ultimately led to their death. </p><p>Listen to Cas call him stupid again and again, no matter how many times…. Because that’s just it, they don’t have <em> time </em>.</p><p>Cas will be angry, hell, he’d spent an amount of time with the angel silently calling him names. Yet all Dean could do is chuckle, just imagining Castiel’s deadpan face scrunching into anger followed by his indignant soldier look melting into concern. </p><p>Then Cas would charge heaven and hell to retroeve them again,  it's the same old story.  Destroy everything that threatens his little family.</p><p>Dean knows Cas would do anything for them. He wants to let Cas, but at the same time no. This is Lady Luck. He won’t take that chance again, he won't let Cas pay for this prize. </p><p>The voice mail sounds. </p><p>Dean sighs as he leans his head on the wall to his right, fatigue stretching on his worn-out face, sadness coursing deep in his veins. It takes a while, but he speaks.</p><p>“Hey… Cas.” he begins, his voice unexpectedly calm. “Listen uh, I know you’re busy… probably still in heaven… but I, I just gotta tell you we uh… we…” he inhales, profound grief growing in his chest, guilt clawing his insides, “Uh… you uh… remember what we used to say we gotta do stuff with…our lives on the line? Well… me and Sam just pulled out another Kirk Douglas thing… Remember <em> Lonely are the Brave </em>?” </p><p>Dean hesitates, Castiel’s face of pure confusion making him smile a little when he hears this.</p><p>“Uh…okay,  bad news pal...  But you gotta promise me you’ll listen carefully to me, okay? Before you do anything... don’t go Han Solo on me and just… just listen, Cas…”</p><p>Palpable silence. </p><p>Dean berates himself for even trying. He presses both fingers on the bridge of his nose, tries to straighten his stressed shoulders only to get more uncomfortable, and finally manages to press his back on the wall with his head tilting up. The back of his eyes begin to sting. </p><p>“We’re gonna die, Cas.” he croaks. </p><p>A beat of silence. </p><p>Dean turns and clears his throat. He hides his eyes on his left palm, glad that shadows kept him from prying eyes.</p><p>Just too much nerves for a day.  Too much to think about.  Too much to say and relay to his best friend. </p><p>Too much to say <em>goodbye</em>. Saying goodbye to Cas... Leaving Cas alone,  Dean blinks upwards before everything hits him in the core. </p><p>
  <em>How Cas will be alone. </em>
</p><p>With a difficult gulp,  Dean looks determinedly down the floor. </p><p>“Sorry to leave you hanging, Cas,” he chuckles, trying his best to sound everything’s okay meanwhile his insides burning guiltily, “Shouldn't have risked so much in a game. I’m still processing... But uh...  We gambled and the stakes, you know we don't donthings halfway so...   you can imagine. Yeah, it’s bad. Things went sideways… really bad, and we…” he swallows hard, “We lost. Lives for a coin,  winner takes all."</p><p>He presses his fingertips by his temple like a thousand paper cuts damaging him, adding to his unseen scars of forever. </p><p>He wants to tell Cas he’s okay, wants to assure his friend things are good.</p><p>But there’s too much lie there and Castiel would only be hurt further. Still,  better cover the wound. </p><p>"Cas, we're good.  Sam's fine.  I'm fine for now.  But I'm more worried about you that's why I called...  Wanted to make sure there's even closure here...  coz I don't really think we'll see each other again." he smiles a little,  "You know all those times Sam and I died?  Always thought luck was on our side. This time we got unlucky, and Chuck's not really onboard of the whole...  Snap fingers,  you live thing.  It's done.  I think this time it's gonna kick...  And i better do my bit here propeely coz...  Coz I'm really gonna miss you, Cas. And... fuck,  I'm worried for you."</p><p>His breathing quickens, hold on the phone tightening. What will happen to Cas now? Will his friend be okay without them? Maybe he will be...  Maybe he will.... Dean chews on his lips, his eyes tightly shut, keeping the fierce burning of his eyes at bay. </p><p>He thinks of Cas receiving this, thinks of his best friend’s grieving expression, the same face he’s seen at lost when Jack died. </p><p>Dean suddenly lets out a tiny whimper. He remembers Jack. Remembers how Cas already suffered losing a loved one. Losing the Winchesters would destroy him.</p><p>Dean opens his eyes again. He can’t have that. Can’t have Cas broken again. </p><p>“Cas, listen. It’s our fault we ended like this. We always messed up,  fuck we are messed up! It happens, alright? We wanted to save these people knowing what's at stake. Hell—that’s what we’ve been doing all our lives. It’s just got the better of us in the ass this time and I think there’s no turning back.” </p><p>Cold and desperate, Dean ignores his pain. This isn’t about him. It’s about the person he would leave behind, hurting. </p><p>Dean knows how painful it is to be left behind. Oh damn,  he wants to see Cas... </p><p>“Cas, no matter what happens, you promise me you will live, okay? That you won’t do anything to endanger your life. I don’t want you to do anything about this.  I think this is in one of Billie's black notes. Me and Sam dying together averta any chances of Chick winning. So we will be gone, but you… you gotta live. Maybe it’s better this way. Maybe Chuck will leave this world alone now that we’re finally gone. Make him move on to other universes to entertain himself. Maybe you get to live a peaceful life now, Cas…”</p><p>At least he won’t have nightmares about Cas dying anymore. Stop all the heartbreaks. </p><p>He imagines Cas in his daily routine in the Bunker, every morning in the silent abode with no one to talk to. </p><p>The fallen angel who will be left behind. It’s wrong. Cas shouldn’t stay alone. Cas should be out there with other humans because Castiel cares and his passion must not be forgotten. That Sam and Dean will leave knowing something kind and good will be left in the world. </p><p>But why does it feel so painful?  Why cant he swallow the idea of leaving Cas? To not be with Cas? It's rhe same desperation he felt in Purgatory when he thought Cas was gone forever. </p><p>The pain is real.  The remorse is real. </p><p>But above all, regret for not being able to stay with the angel a little bit longer.</p><p>There's a gap innhis heart that will never be filled.  An empty space only for the angel. </p><p> “Cas, please… you… you gotta promise me you will move on. That’s what you do, right? Move on. Go find another charge, go save another life… Me and Sam are gonna be with mum and dad so…<em> move on, Cas… </em>and help as many people as you can. Go have a new start, buddy. Forget us… forget about how we messed up. You gotta live for the world…so move on… forget us. Save more lives…”</p><p>
  <em> How stupid, Dean. </em>
</p><p>Dean shuts his eyes, the familiar voice in his head sending fire all over his being. He tries to brace himself once more,  brings his cold hands to his face and sighs deeply.</p><p>It ain't about him.</p><p>“It’s just too bad I can’t see you again. Sorry to drop the world on your shoulder, man… but I want you to be happy, Cas… I want you to deserve living a happy life… I…”</p><p>He thinks of Castiel only. A world where Cas can do miracles and make people happy. Just like how he’s been with Dean. How he changed Dean’s life forever.</p><p>This time he's giving Cas to the world.  </p><p>The trickle of tears falls on his cheek. His shoulder begin to shake. He asks himself if he’s ever said thank you genuinely to the angel,  just thank him for existing in Dean’s miserable life.</p><p>He bows his head, tears streaming down incessantly. There's not enough words to say it to Cas. Not enough time to make anything out of it so Dean chokes silently on his palms and gives a muffled—</p><p><em>  “I’m gonna miss you, Cas… thank you for being my angel. Thank you for not leaving my side when everyone else did.  You put up with me… and I was… I was a mean jerk who didn’t deserve you. Cas, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t meet you. Maybe just another hunter out for blood with no life to give.  </em> <em>Maybe just another brother to Sam constantly failing to understand… maybe, just maybe, just another fucked up human with nothing. I got nothing Cas, before you found me. So I gotta thank you for that. And I’m sorry for everything I cost you. Your family,  your wings, your grace… </em> <em>Thank you for being there even when I was being mean to you, or push you away. You gave yourself to me, Cas... You were mine from the start… and you know I’m yours too… I…"  </em></p><p>
  <em> I love you…. </em>
</p><p>Dean shuts his eyes.  He cannot be that selfish now. </p><p>
  <em> “Cas I…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I love you…  </em>
</p><p>Dean chokes.  They never got what they deserved. </p><p>
  <em> “Thank you.” </em>
</p><p>Tears streaming down his eyes,  Dean shakes his head. </p><p><em> “ </em>Goodbye, Cas.”</p><p>He pulls the phone down and curls his knees up to his chest and hisses and gulps back at his heavy heart.</p><hr/><p>Dean breaths in relief as he steps back in the Bunker complaining about not winning the lottery. He throws his bag on the table and is making his way to the kitchen wondering if luck is still with him and find pounds of patties there he can drill when he spies a familiar brown trench coat from his peripheral.</p><p>“Cas?” he calls, frowning suddenly. Was Cas in the Bunker this whole time? Did he—</p><p>Dean’s eyes widen when someone else emerges behind the angel. There should be some warning before letting a dead person walk by—but Dean had seen plenty of dead family members do the same thing over and over again that all he could do is exchange looks with the angel.</p><p>Because he trusts Cas.</p><p>“It’s really him.” He says, his face breaking into a minefield of happiness and relief Dean has never seen in a long time. It’s Sam who approaches Jack first. Then Dean follows suit, holding Jack’s cheeks so he can look him in the eyes. Serene eyes look back at him filling with waterworks. </p><p>Dean looks back at Cas, finally understanding what’s keeping the angel busy. He found Jack. Maybe even saved Jack and that’s a relief for the hunter. He lets the trio lead the troupe to the kitchen with him staying behind just a little to see the three-family members he’s got left.</p><p>After the long talk in the kitchen, Dean finally says it’s time for rest. He follows as Castiel leads Jack to his room, smiling a little because at least, Cas isn’t alone after all. So maybe there’s a little bit of luck left on them till then. Dean goes to bed a little later with the coin of luck in his palm after a cold shower. He stares at it even when he’s lying on his bed, back on the covers, eyes not leaving the coin.</p><p>No good.  He can’t sleep.  Dean sits up, slips his feet on the floor and heads for the kitchen,  the coin deep inside his pajama pocket. </p><p>It strikes him how the kitchen was empty when he got there.  Usually, he’d find the angel sitting alone by the table either reading or eating Sam’s leftover green or cereals.  Tonight he’s not there. Of course. Not like Cas would take chances now that the boy is back. HE doesn't seem to be letting Jack go out on school trips on his own too soon. Poor kid with his doting father.</p><p>Dean presses his lips, burying his disappointment and prepares himself a burger to lift his spirits up. </p><p>He begins to whistle the moment the patties are on the stove,  filling the kitchen with a mouthwatering smell. He knows Jack would probably not be able to resist that.  Might even get curious enough the father and son may actually pay him a visit there. He wonders when the next time he and Cas would be alone… </p><p>Dean stops.  He blinks at the patties then frowns. Could call Castiel and Jack here...  Then maybe he and Cas can catch up later?  Or will Cas still insist on keeping tabs with Jack?"</p><p>"Used to do that to me all the time." he mutters pouting,  smacking the patty down the grill with gusto. Always with Jack theae days,  huh?</p><p>Dean blinks. "You idiot.  Getting jealous with a baby…he’s your kid too! ”</p><p><em>True</em>.  Except all Cas'attention... </p><p>Dean moodily turns all the patties thrice. </p><p>Him and his immaturity.</p><p>
  <em>Yeah, Cas will really choose you for your good personality. </em>
</p><p>Rattling sound of the door jolts Dean. The hunter looks behind him, instincts making want to run to the armory immediately except he's still frying here. He shuts the stove off readying to run but then, he heard a familiar voice calling his name. </p><p>The rap on solid wood continues. </p><p>
  <em>"DEAN!"</em>
</p><p>Frowning again, Dean starts at the relentless banging somewhere in the corridor.</p><p>“What the…?”</p><p>“DEAN!” Castiel’s voice booms all over the house,  ringing and beating his hand on a door. </p><p>Dean peers at the empty walkway in alarm.  What the hell is this racket about? </p><p>“Don’t break my door now! I'm here in the kitchen!  People are tryin to sleep, Cas! ” He calls a little gruffly.</p><p>The battering stops. Dean blinks.</p><p>He waits for Cas to appear in the corridor.  Waits till the angel’s form come trudging the narrow way, gait purposeful, blue eyes upon him, wide and fearful as they come face to face. </p><p>"Sup?  You makin me burn my burgers, Cas."</p><p>Dean tenses when Castiel stares at him wide-eyed and a little ashen on the face. Before he could say anything, Castiel knocks the wind out of him into a crushing hug. </p><p>“Dean!” the angel half cries,  half chokes out while the hunter finds balance in this extraordinary hugging out of nowhere. </p><p>“Wha-Cas?” Dean doesn’t know what to think.  Doesn’t know what possessed this not-possessed-angel to suddenly tackle him until his ass hits the edge of the table,  essentially getting him to sit and trapped with the angel between his legs.</p><p>Castiel who is letting no amount of space between them while frantically running his hand all over the hunter’s back, shoulders, neck.</p><p>"Ca-Cas!" Dean sees the ceiling because sometimes Cas doesn’t know his strength and the hunter ends flat on his back</p><p>Weird silence with Dean blinking at the opposite roof. He got his hand tightly clutching his cooking utensils, elbow crushing his sides. Dean's not going anywhere. </p><p>The hunter calms himself.  Did Cas have a nightmare or...? But the angel surely liked the smell of his neck no doubt, making Dean's happy limbs react at the crushing weight. Oh no,  no,  he's not... What's happening...? </p><p>“Okay,  cooking something delicious and getting a bone-crushing hug, and maybe getting laid… I’m dreaming aren’t I?” he chuckles, dropping the utensils down the floor with clatters so he could hold the angel. </p><p>Except Castiel is shaking. <em> The hell </em>…?</p><p>“Cas?” he runs his hand up to Cas neck,  tried to pry Cas the spot where he's currently burying his nose to no avail."Cas?"</p><p>Castiel hisses,  only tightening his hold. </p><p>Okay... Not that Dean's not enjoying the show. But the shaking actually is kinda worrying. Dean frowns. </p><p>"Calm down, Cas, it’s me! What’s going on?” </p><p>Cas now pushes him back just as how violently he pulls Dean in. His eyes are thundering behind the stormy blues and if Dean didn’t know Cas,  he’d be cowering under the table. Or offer himself up for some good time, same thing. </p><p>“You were here! I thought… ” the angel whispers in a husky voice.</p><p>"Thouht I'd disappear?  Come on, I'm real,  so are you. Are you?"</p><p>"Of course,  but Dean..."</p><p>"We'll,  I'm not dead so don't get all ahead of me." Dean grunts. He gets that look—ten times more <em> intense </em> than Castiel’s regular intense stares.</p><p>"Dean."</p><p>“Wanna let me sit?”</p><p>Castiel looks like he’s about to protest, but then realizes he’s on top of the hunter.</p><p>For a brief second,  Castiel blushes furiously and climbs off Dean’s lap but keeps a hold of his wrist and stares at the hunter like pulling away would make the him just pop out of sight.</p><p>“Okay,” Dean rolls his eyes,  sitting up, not really minding that Cas is still between his knees. He doesn’t discourage proximity with his angel these days. Gotta enjoy all the contact.</p><p>“What’s going on?”</p><p>“I should be asking you that.” The worried angel disappears to be replaced by the soldier one. Dean internally groans both in pleasure and vexation. </p><p>“Dammit,  Cas, with the lecture-”</p><p>“What the hell was that phone call, Dean?”</p><p>The color drains from the hunter's face.</p><p>Castiel is still holding his wrist tight, his blue eyes speaking volumes of what Dean was desperately trying to say making his goodbye. </p><p><em> Shit </em>.  No wonder Cas is pissed. </p><p>“Forget it, Cas. It’s nothing—”</p><p><em> “You were saying goodbye!” </em>Castiel says a little hoarsely, voice trembling in a way Dean hasn’t heard before. </p><p>"What was I supposed to say then?"</p><p>"Dean, you could have asked for my help!  Stalled for time!  You know I would get there no matter what happens!  Why didn't you try me?"</p><p>"You weren't even on your phone!  You were in heaven!"</p><p>"Then pray to me!" Castiel gets on Dean's face so much, the man had to lean back a little,  almost using his elbow for support. </p><p>He takes a look at the angel closely. Sees his reddening eyes and the quivering of his lips. An active argument ready to fall between them and Dean thinks…  </p><p>Must they really fight about saying goodbye? Aa far as he is concernee it's over.  They should get over this now. </p><p>"I didn't pray coz I didn't want you to endanger yourself." Dean swallows hard,  eyes fixing on his lap, his fingers curling to a fist. </p><p>"That's a poor excuse compare to what I'm feeling right now, Dean."</p><p>“We will say goodbye eventually.”</p><p>He looks him in the eyes.  Sees Castiel blink at him in surprise.  The angel's hold on the man's wrist slackens and Dean shakes his head. Waits for Cas to speak.  Waits for the deep voice to explode. To get angry and tell him there could've been ampther way. </p><p>There were plenty.  Dean chose one. Cas has every right to be angry. So he's allowed to explode.</p><p>It doesn’t.</p><p>Dean looks up. </p><p>He looks up to see the brilliant glinting blues filled with unshed tears.</p><p>Dean’s heart breaks into pieces.</p><p>This was what he never wanted to see. </p><p>"Cas..." he says weakly. The angel gulps hard,  not looking Dean in the eyes. It's much the same way Cas had been when they confronted each other back at the shack,  talking about Mary.  Talking about feeling "dead" to them. </p><p>But this time,  Dean feels the same loss as the angels. Feels the same prickle in his heart. </p><p>“Dean.. You think I don’t know that? Hearing your voice reasigned, hearing you worry for me...  Listening to you talking about leaving me...  don't you think I know...? I've face death...  I looked Death in the eyes too.. But that phone call..."</p><p>Dean is struck silent.</p><p>Everything he thought of Cas’ reaction is all happening right there in the angel’s most terrifying moment. </p><p>“Dean! I… Death means little to me… before I met <em> you </em>.” </p><p>Castiel’s voice is gruff,  breaking with emotions welling up, though the words are still crystal clear.</p><p>Dean can't speak. He can't even compare as Castiel breathleasly sniffs,  eyes shining in pain. What has he done? </p><p>"Cas..." this is wrong... He reaches a palm on the angel's damp cheeka and tries to wipe the hot tears away. Castiel takes his wrist again, the grip gentle and shaking. Cas holds his gaze and Dean would be damned to look away. </p><p>“I know death as I know life. I know you would be gone someday,  that I will have to live without you because you’re human. Dean, I…  I know this… but it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow. I know I will live,  but it would be bittersweet with just your memory. I will remember you always, I will remember you with every step I make…hoping to meet you again someday… For a long time, I deluded myself that I could...  But after that phone call… <em>Dean</em>…”</p><p>It happened in a flash of eyes.  Castiel, proud angel and soldier of heaven,  breaks down as he falls on his knees to the floor,  his hands grasping Dean’s thighs painfully, bowing his head and crying bitterly as he’s never cried before.</p><p>Dean gasps at the tears flowing freely down the angel’s cheeks,  each sob nerve-wracking to the man who quickly slides with him just to embrace his angel and hold him, just hold him tight. </p><p><em>Fuck</em>. </p><p>He made this, he realizes wordlessly.  </p><p>Should have fucking shut his mouth, but… no, that’s not right either.  Cas isn’t talking about the phone call anymore.</p><p>Cas is talking about his eventual passing.</p><p>Dean didn’t think it through. Thought Cas was always ready… but he knew deep inside him he’d be leaving a scar to the beloved angel. </p><p>And Dean has no words for that.  No words at all for an angel whose feelings are so overwhelming,  it’s reaching his mind and soul. And Cas' pain is his pain and Dean finds himself crying on the angel’s shoulder.</p><p>He raises his head,  taking Cas head to his cheeks and holding him even tighter.  </p><p>“Sorry… I’m sorry,  Cas…” he closes his eyes and inhales the fresh scent of the burning sun and dried leaves on the angel.   Always calming to know he’s so close. </p><p>So close still. </p><p>It's Dean who breaks this time. </p><p>“Dean.” the lace of worry in his tone make the hunter chuckle and shakes his head. He pulls both hands up and cups Castiel’s damp face. He pulls Cas closer till their foreheads are leaning on each other. It shakes him how Castiel’s body is trembling. </p><p>“Shit, Cas, forget it… I didn’t mean to make you feel bad—should’ve told you about it in the first place. But I’m good…  Sam and I are good.”</p><p>"I know...  but..."</p><p>"Shhh,  Cas,  look at me."</p><p>Cas gulps hard and opens his eyes. Meet his eyes.  A kind of gravity pulling on them to draw closer, to make each other feel alive and it may be a bold display but Dean doesn’t pull back. He knows what will happen next and he doesn't care for the world. </p><p>Doesn’t care if their noses nuzzled so close, doesn’t shy away when Cas pushes in, doesn't remember the last time his heart thumped so painfully,  bursting and exploding the moment their lips catch onto an unexpected kiss. </p><p>Cas needs it.  Dean needs it.</p><p>Cas' lips are soft and sweet. Like how Dean dreamed them to be everytime his unconscipus mind would be drawn to it anyday.  And it's such a luxury to be kissing him.  To be kissing Cas that Dean forgets he needs to breath.</p><p>It's Castiel who pulls back, wide-eyed and thunderstruck but Dean had no time tk explain how good it felt. He pulls Castiel back in and hungrily captures the pink lips. He moans when Cas reaponds, wraps his arms around the angel so he won't escape,  Dean didn't know hpw much he wants thos until now.  Didn't know how much he needs it now. </p><p>They kiss long and hard,  lips locking, teeth grazing as they both try to soothe their aching hearts. </p><p>Castiel’s hot tongue slips in and Dean lets him. It invades all spots in his mouth,  urging Dean's lips out and sucking on it when Dean lets it out. He licks inside the angel’s sweet lips, tasting milk. Fucking milk.</p><p>He deepens their kiss, Castiel this time, letting him take the lead. Cas smells so good. Tastes so good. Must feel so good.  </p><p>Dean doesn’t think of any future,  doesn’t think of more pain. They both are drowning on it already and the more they linger on, the more they lose time. They just need to kiss. Sweet and slow,  moving their heads,  feeling the journey nearing its end.</p><p>Dean doesn’t want to lose against time so he kisses Cas more, no more hesitation as he remembers everything he nearly lost. The hot press of Cas mouth on him is appaling.  He just wanta to take more.  They moan when the kiss last longer, hungrily diving im for more, catching Castiel’s mouth, slowly,  with intent.</p><p>With passion.  </p><p>Dean sighs on the kiss, pulling back.  Cas keeps his bottom lip between his teeth, grumbling when Dean surges for a final capture and pulling back smiling this time. </p><p>Their daces are bright and clear. They botg know what they want. </p><p>“That was..." Cas begins.  Dean chuckle.</p><p>"Hot. What’ve we been doing all this time,  Cas?”</p><p>“Quarreling most of the time,” Cas replies, body pressing still to the hunter, arms wrapped around his neck. He still looks longingly at Dean, won’t even let go not for a moment. Cas wants more. </p><p>“It’s okay, I’m right here, Cas. Not going anywhere.”</p><p>Castiel looks unconvinced. </p><p>Dean smiles. He doesn’t know why this seemed normal for them. To be kissing and hugging as if it’s getting out of fashion. Is it? What's new these days when love making...  Dean will surely find out. </p><p>The thought makes him blush.  Castiel watches his face turm pink with a smile. </p><p>"Dean..." he presses their temples together while Dean's eyes can only follow his mouth.  "Dean,  you are so beautiful."</p><p>"Angel speaks,  hear hear. Are we okay now?"</p><p>Castiel hums but when he opens his eyes, seriousness prevailed and Dean blinks becauae even when angry, Cas is... Cas is just..."</p><p>"I wanna kiss you again."</p><p>"We can go to that later,  but Dean...  You know this changes everything."</p><p>Dean looks up nervously.  "What,  why?" he tries to wriggle out of Cas' arms but the angel only arches his eyebrows.  The man frowns.</p><p>"Cas?"</p><p>"You're mine." Cas says simply. Dean's heart flutters and the butterflies all fly away. The beam on his face reflects that of his angel. </p><p>It’s the best thing that happened to him today,  honestly. Maybe all that luck went to his love life now that he thinks of it and he’s not in any hurry to jinx it. </p><p>“Gotta let me go some time,  Cas.”</p><p>“No.” the angel growls. </p><p>“My patties are burning you know.”</p><p>"It's tirned off."</p><p>"I thought I did." Dean looks over the pans and sees the smoke beginning to build. "But the kitchen's now hot."</p><p>He smirks at Cas. Amidst the hot kiss and body grinding, Dean’s instinct piques because of the smell of his burger. Burger and Cas kissing him? Lucky night alright. </p><p>Castiel has to let him up, doesn’t mean he would stop hovering behind the hunter. He shuts the burner and sighs at the burnt excuae for patties. </p><p>Castiel is looking over his shoulder. Dean feels the tension too much and gotta speak as he scrapes the burnt pieces off the pan.  </p><p>“You can always hug me from behind you know.” He can see the challenge in the angel’s eyes. </p><p>"I can?"</p><p>"Y-yeah." his the blood goes to his ears, determined not to look behind him.</p><p>“Of course, you don’t have to…”</p><p>But Castiel is wrapping his arms around Dean’s torso and sighing like it’s the perfect spot. Dean sighs in satisfaction and his dilogence increased. He gotta wash his favorite spot here before thinking of doing anything with Cas.</p><p>The angel is still clinging on him and from perspective, it does look like they are lovera or some sort. Maybe of some sort.  </p><p>"You know we have to talk about theat phone call again,  Dean." Cas murmurs on his ears. </p><p>“What happened back there?” Castiel croaks,  breathing behind Dean’s neck, not pulling away from Dean. </p><p>Dean can only stare at the space between the pan and the wall.  He tries to remember what he said that’s making Castiel look so miserable and defeated. All that is between them is pure longing and fear.</p><p>And love. Fear of losing the other. He read it in Cas’ eyes. Dean makes up his mind quickly. It’s been in his mind ever since he returned in the Bunker, but with Jack around, he thought Cas wouldn’t pay attention. </p><p>Castiel being here beside him makes him feel a little giddy.</p><p>“Where’s Jack?”</p><p>“In his room.” Castiel claws on Dean’s shoulder. “Dean—that message—”</p><p>“I really thought I was dying.” Dean admits,  “and I couldn’t really just… I gotta tell you I was scared of leaving without letting you know. I was scared,  Cas.”</p><p>And it’s all sound now that he thought of it. Hos fear back then.  Not being able to say goodbye. </p><p>Castiel pulls him closer.  The stove had been turned off. </p><p>“You scared me.” Cas sighs, turning Dean to face him and bringing their faces closer. His expression is a reflection of their earlier fears. “If I had lost you then…  that scared me, Dean.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Tell me you wouldn’t risk your life like that again.”</p><p>Dean doesn’t answer,  but he raises a less greasy finger to touch the angel’s cheeks. He just smiles. </p><p>“All I know is… I don’t wanna go yet, Cas.  Not after this…” he traces his finger on the angel’s plush lips,  green eyes meeting the blue. “So many things to lose… my only regret will always be… when we say goodby—”</p><p>“No.” Castiel grips his shoulder tight. His eyes sparkling in determination. “Even then I wouldn’t let you go. I will always follow you, Dean.”</p><p>“C’mon,  Cas, don’t play chick-flicks on me. We’re not dying yet so maybe we can save this some other time.”</p><p>“I’m not. And you know we’ll not rest until we both have a closure to this.”</p><p><em> Touché </em>. Dean nods. </p><p>“I will be with you,  Dean. Even in death, remember that.”</p><p>Dean’s face grows somber.  “You’re not allowed to take your life to join me. I mean it, Cas.”</p><p>“Yes.  I know you’d say that. I won’t."</p><p>Dean watches Cas. Just watch him. There's sadness behind the blue,  some secret Cas is not telling him again which makes Dean frown.</p><p>Cas speaks before Dean can say anything again. </p><p>"This with Chuck... If we survive this, if we both make it out…  and live the deserved life I think you ought to have,  Dean… with happiness and no regret, then yes. But we will meet. I will find you. I just need you to know that so you don’t need to be afraid, Dean.”</p><p>It sounds so profound and overwhelming to be the receiving end of such promises from an angel.  The thought of Cas still beside him, still with him even with all of this chaos said and done. </p><p>Even when there’s no reason for the angel to be with him anymore, Cas promises to find him.</p><p><em> Love </em>. He can see it in Cas’eyes.  Always been there since the beginning.  Untold love that needed no words. </p><p>
  <em> Pure love. Cas heard him.  </em>
</p><p>“Wanna eat together,  Cas?”</p><p>Castiel blinks at him and the atrocity on the bin.  Dean sheepishly scratches his ears. </p><p>"I'll cook another one,  okay?"</p><p>Cas stares at him fixedly, then nods.  He slips his hands to his side, but not after pushing his lips on Dean’s again like it’s their new thing. </p><p>It winded Dean.  It rattles his core how much he wants it,  how much he craves when the angel pulls away,  leaving the hunter breathless. </p><p>Maybe it’s always been there. Maybe they were both waiting for something like this to happen because nothing changes.  Cas still sits grumpily on his chair while Dean delivers him the burgers. Dean still teases him for using the wrong vocabularies to say how the food hits the spot, not “kick” it. </p><p>In the end,  they are still the same, the same long glances, the same brushing touches that tingle their skin. </p><p>They’ve been on the love coaster, they just both missed to affirm it. </p><p>Love in the loss.  Love in the gamble. So when Dean invites Cas to his room that night, it didn’t feel weird. </p><p>Didn’t feel fucking wrong when Cas lays on top of him in one of Dean’s wildest dreams,  tells him he wants to watch him. Tells him many things Dean never thought the angel had been wanting but always pushes away because they both know the world comes first. </p><p>But tonight it’s different. This time,  it’s about them. This time Cas takes the lead and Dean didn’t stop him. They won’t need to say goodbye,  not yet. </p><p>But they can do with the gentle passionate touches of fire and ardent kisses. </p><p>Those things that would add to the memory, those that would add to the pain. </p><p>Which would make their parting bitter,  but their meeting in the next life worth everything. </p><p>
  <b> <em>This will be worth everything. </em> </b>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>